Martin (John Amplas), a young man who looks around 20-years-old, boards a train in Indianapolis, Indiana for New York. At night, he breaks into a sleeping car and sedates a woman with a syringe full of narcotics. She struggles, but he tells her not to struggle or be upset because she wont feel pain. After a few minutes, the woman falls asleep, and Martin has sex with the unconscious woman. Afterwards, he slices her wrists with a razor blade so he can drink her blood. The woman bleeds to death in her sleep.
In the morning, the train stops in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where Martin disembarks. He is met by Tata Cuda (Lincoln Maazel) an elderly and hostile old man who claims to be his cousin from the Old World. Together, they travel by another train to the town of Braddock, a dying industrial suburb. They walk to Cuda's large house where he shows Martin his living quarters. Cuda then accuses Martin of being an 84-year-old vampire from his old country. He has taken in Martin because he is family, but tells him, "First I will save your soul. Then I shall destroy you." Martin denies being a vampire and implies that Cuda is merely his uncle rather than his cousin. Cuda then puts up strings of garlic on the doors to his and his granddaughter's room, and then holds up a small cross when Martin approaches him. Martin takes away the cross, and even takes a bite of the garlic mocking these attempts by saying bitterly, "There's no real magic... ever". Cuda tells Martin that he can come and go as he pleases. But he also warns Martin that he will kill him if he kills anyone in Braddock. He also tells Martin to stay away from his granddaughter Christine (Christine Forrest), whom arrives home from her job that evening.
Cuda introduces Christine to Martin, but also warns her to stay away from him. But Christine instead strikes up a friendship with Martin who confides in her about his vampire heritage. When Cuda later confirms Martin's claims to be a vampire, Christine, not surprisingly, refuses to believe either one. She thinks that Cuda and the other members of her family have driven Martin to insanity by making him think that he is a vampire. It is never revealed if Martin really is a vampire, or just a shy and lonely youth with troubled issues. Christine is the only person that Martin gets the courage to talk to. When Christine's boyfriend Arthur (Tom Savini) arrives at the house for dinner, Martin stops talking and backs away despite Arthur's attempt at a conversation. Christine later confides in Martin that she hopes to leave Braddock someday with Arthur, even though Martin points out that Arthur treats her badly and is both verbally and physically abusive towards her.
When Christine sees that Martin won't talk to anyone else, she buys him a phone which he installs in his room. Martin begins to repeatingly call a radio talk show where he describes what it's like to be a vampire. He becomes known on the radio as "the Count" to all the listeners. But the patronizing host (Michael Gornick) thinks he's just crazy.
Martin gets a job at Cuda's grocery store of stocking shelves, hauling boxes around, and even gets to be a delivery boy for some of the customers. One of his customers is a certain Abby Santini (Elyane Nadeau), who becomes taken in with Martin. She is a very friendly young woman who is depressed when she tells Martin that her husband is unfaithful. But Martin still does not have the nerve to talk with her, so she is happy to have someone to confide in with her life problems. Martin phones the radio show host to describe his infatuation with the housewife and senses that she wants to have sex with him. When the radio show host asks Martin if it is a sexual problem that he has involving women criticizing him during sex, Martin replies that he has never had sex with a woman who was awake.
One day, Martin travels by train to outside Braddock to look for victims. At a supermarket, he follows a young woman (Sarah Venable) home to her posh suburban house. He sees the woman's husband (Richard Rubenstein) leave for a long business trip, and Martin decides this would be the right time for more feeding. Martin returns to the house after dark and breaks in through the garage door. But it is Martin who gets the surprise when he bursts into her bedroom to find her in bed with her adulterous lover Lewis (Al Levitsky). After a vicious struggle, Martin jabs both of them with hyprodermic needles with narcotics, and waits for the drugs to take affect. He drags the unconscious body of Lewis from the house to a clump of trees across the street where he kills him by shoving a broken tree branch into his neck and drinks his blood. Martin returns to the house where he has sex with the unconscious woman. But out of compassion and pity, he decides to let her live.
Martin begins to have romantic monochrome visions of his vampire past (real or imagined), where he drained blood from a young woman and was chased through the streets of a nameless European town by a torch-lit mob.
During one Sunday at church, Cuda brings home Father Howard (George A. Romero) who asks him about the possibility of exorcism and demon possession. Father Howard calls upon the elderly Father Zulemans (Clifford Forrest, Jr.) over at Cuda's request. Together, Cuda and Zulemans confront Martin his bedroom and attempt to perform an exorcism on him. At this point, Martin remembers (another real or imaginary flashback), in the Old Country of people trying to perform an exorcism on him, and he flees them. Martin then flees from Cuda and Zuelmas as well. A little later that night, Martin terrorizes Cuda in a children's playground when he puts on a Dracula cape and puts false fangs into his mouth to pretend that he really is a vampire.
One day, Martin finally musters the courage to talk with Mrs. Santini during a routine delivery to her house where he tells her that he's aware of her attempts to seduce him and wants now to have sex with her. After having sex for the first time, Mrs. Santini becomes more depressed for she tells Martin that her husband just left her because she discovered that she cannot bear children, and that her desires towards him are based on sex and nothing else. But Martin wants to stay with her and help her move on with her life. Martin tells the radio show host about his affair with the housewife and that he no longer has the urge to attack other women.
Meanwhile, Arthur meets with Cuda and tells him that he wants Christine to leave town with him so they can get married and start a family. But Christine becomes angry at Cuda when he tells Arthur that insanity runs in their family and he shouldn't consider having children with her. Shortly afterwards, Christine packs up and leaves Braddock for New York with Arthur despite Martin telling her that Arthur is abusive towards her. But her mind is made up. Before leaving, Christine tells Martin that she really has no ill feelings towards him and just wants to make a fresh start with her life. She says goodbye to him and promises to write. But Martin knows that with an abusive and possessive man in Christine's life, she probably won't.
Depressed over losing his one true friend, Martin phones the radio show host and tells him that he's getting "shaky" and wants to go out looking for more victims. That night, Martin travels to a rough crime-ridden area of Pittsburgh and attacks two derelicts in a alley, injecting them with narcotics. He kills one of them by silting the bum's wrist and drinking his blood. Martin is about to kill the second one when a police car shows up and gives chase. Martin narrowly escapes during a long chase on foot which leads from the garbage strew streets and through a local store. Martin runs into an old warehouse where a drug deal is going down. A shootout between the two cops and the three thugs begins where all of them are killed, leaving Martin as the sole survivor who casually walks away from the carnage.
One day, Martin finds Mrs. Santini dead in her bathtub, after she had slit her writs with a razor blade. Martin anonymously calls the police to report the body and leaves. He phones the radio show host one final time to say that he really doesn't need friends or people to talk to for he is his own person. But when Cuda learns about Mrs. Santini's suicide, is mistakenly thinks Martin killed her and made it look like a suicide as he's done before. Cuda walks into Martin's room while he is asleep and kills him by hammering a wooden stake through Martin's heart.
Cuda buries Martin's body in his back garden, while over the closing credits various voices from people are heard talking to the radio show host asking the whereabouts of "the Count".
牛硬朗真没发财的命，不管怎么说这彩票也应该买两张，中了等于没中
佳佳这自导自演的作品还可以，至少没有像之前东北喜剧电影那么闹腾
老公选的片子，觉得他好粗糙，又有一点细腻。刑满人员的题材支撑我看下去的唯一一点。
葬礼啊，不是给死人办的，是给活人看的。哈。
一般般，受限制于审核，有点加长小品的感觉，最后搞个反转却尴尬到死的结局。拆成一段一段来看不错。
被抖音的段子给骗了，故事细碎，纯靠几个小段子撑着吧
葬礼冲突转的太硬
挺逗的，四星也够。就轻松不动脑片。二手玫瑰出来笑死我了。……近段时间好像看好多烂片，不知道是不是比的，感觉这个真的比那些所谓大片名角的都好看
有笑有感动，这不比那些作假的流量明星演的东西好看？？！！
2022058《东北告别天团》
开头绕着树的那个长镜头很精彩，结尾让我想起了《鬼子来了》，有意味但少了劲儿，部分场面令我想起我前年创作的短片（黝黑的衣服、手挖坟、吃果子、大雨等），当然这部做得比我的那部短片好太多了。
小电影挺有趣，想讲人生，也想讲歧视，还想讽刺社会现实，而且各个点都挖掘得不错。东北本土文化和意大利风情也融合在一起，最后的彩蛋也很巧思，佳佳有俩下子！前半段的包袱略显老套，同时佳佳太胖了，真的会影响观影效果，减减肥吧导演！
看着不讨厌，不尴尬还有笑点的喜剧，就比很多作品好很多了
近年来难得一见的“有人味”的主旋律，他们不是教科书中昂扬的战士，他们是一个个拥有喜怒哀乐的生命。
老师同学辛苦了…下次做个塔可夫斯基混剪吧…
7，算是主旋律之光了，非常具有学院派色彩的诗意战争影像探索，形式上学老塔基本学到八成，密林、迷雾、小船、芦苇荡、血雨、树上的蛇，甚至于保全部队还是誓死完成任务的战斗困境都是在影像气质上复刻《伊万的童年》，这条路六十年代李俊、崔巍他们已经批判性的走过一次了，当然跟前辈相比，国美这拨新生代试图在意识形态宣教和战争人性论的平衡上，略微向人性论这边倾斜一些，但限于主旋律的框架和并不是非常成熟的剧本，完成上还是差点意思。可视为主旋律电影在艺术探索的某种出路，特别是小成本战争片如何在有限成本下解决场面问题，电影给出了相当不错的解决方案。
蛮真诚的东北喜剧，故事也讲得清清楚楚，价值观也挺正，就是人物情感没有做出来，没有调动起共情感，就很寡淡了。最后既然要反转刀爷赎罪，按道理前面就得建立和刀爷的情感。我也理解东北人那种死要面羞于矫情的性格，但也可以找个爷们儿的感情建立方式。不过作为网大，真不错。
开头的讨债那段词写得好。真的好好笑哈哈哈。故事和笑点是好的。电影的节奏有点生疏。给东北办葬礼，这个象征可以的。唉 导演功力还是有限，很好的点子。
胡编乱造毫无逻辑各种硬伤，搞笑不足，煽情有余。像似有要批判社会歧视刑满释放人员的偏见，但故事太特么牵强了。
编剧功底不错啊！笑点密集 去电影院花钱看完出来不会觉得吃亏 张子栋真是久违了 老四的演技也是惊喜 刀爷最后的哭戏也很带动人 咋个分有点低~
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